Processing

I found out a few days ago that a friend of mine had died. He left his home and was missing for a few days before his body was found in the woods behind his house. It seems that he died by his own hand. And I'm not really sure what to do with that information? It's just really strange, being able to still picture his face and hear his voice in my head, and knowing that he's not here anymore. I don't know if I'm grieving, or if I'm just trying to wrap my head around death (I've never had anyone even remotely close to me die), or if I should even be allowed to grieve. We weren't best friends, and we hadn't even known each other for long. But we were somewhat close. We worked together for the majority of the summer at a job we both hated, and we bonded a lot during our (excruciatingly long) shifts. We vented to each other, and shared a lot of secrets because it was just one of those relationships where you could spill so much and not feel wary. We stayed in touch after we both quit that job, and now he's gone. I knew that he was world-weary, and at a bit of a loss as to where to go next in life...he had money troubles, issues with family, and was having a bad time overall. But he never mentioned suicide, and he did have some plans for the future. He was incredibly thoughtful and much more kind-hearted than you would first assume upon meeting him. He had a great smile that he hardly ever showed. And he didn't deserve to feel so bad that offing himself in the woods seemed like the only option left for him. That's just so desperately wrong and unfair. I'm just really hoping he's happier now, and that he feels cared for...I know he was lonely, and I hope that, wherever or whatever he may be now, he doesn't feel that way anymore. He was good, and I wish I could have done more for him.

P.S. Our old workplace is collecting donations to plant a memorial tree for him and it's nice and all but he hated every inch of that place and he'd probably scoff at the thought of being memorialized there.