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LeBleuAnteater

Sometimes I draw things.
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I found out a few days ago that a friend of mine had died. He left his home and was missing for a few days before his body was found in the woods behind his house. It seems that he died by his own hand. And I'm not really sure what to do with that information? It's just really strange, being able to still picture his face and hear his voice in my head, and knowing that he's not here anymore. I don't know if I'm grieving, or if I'm just trying to wrap my head around death (I've never had anyone even remotely close to me die), or if I should even be allowed to grieve. We weren't best friends, and we hadn't even known each other for long. But we were somewhat close. We worked together for the majority of the summer at a job we both hated, and we bonded a lot during our (excruciatingly long) shifts. We vented to each other, and shared a lot of secrets because it was just one of those relationships where you could spill so much and not feel wary. We stayed in touch after we both quit that job, and now he's gone. I knew that he was world-weary, and at a bit of a loss as to where to go next in life...he had money troubles, issues with family, and was having a bad time overall. But he never mentioned suicide, and he did have some plans for the future. He was incredibly thoughtful and much more kind-hearted than you would first assume upon meeting him. He had a great smile that he hardly ever showed. And he didn't deserve to feel so bad that offing himself in the woods seemed like the only option left for him. That's just so desperately wrong and unfair. I'm just really hoping he's happier now, and that he feels cared for...I know he was lonely, and I hope that, wherever or whatever he may be now, he doesn't feel that way anymore. He was good, and I wish I could have done more for him.

P.S. Our old workplace is collecting donations to plant a memorial tree for him and it's nice and all but he hated every inch of that place and he'd probably scoff at the thought of being memorialized there.
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A Safe Place?

2 min read
I know I'm pretty quiet on here, seeing as I hardly ever post anything. However, I actually get on DA every day to check my notifications, since I follow so many artists on here! It's enjoyable, and a great stress reliever to peek at the amazingly detailed worlds and characters of others. 

That being said, I am aware of the drama that takes place on this website. Some of the artists I follow have had some horrific experiences, and I feel badly for them. However, I try to avoid becoming involved in or too knowledgeable of any DA spats. This is because DA works as an oasis of sorts for me. It is a safe harbor amongst all of the viciousness that clogs the internet. The only other website I use on a daily basis is Facebook, to keep up with friends and some news stories. Unfortunately, even though I carefully choose my Facebook friends, I still see so much hatred in my feed. It's very disheartening, and results in much blocking and unfriending.

This isn't to say that my goal is to be completely oblivious to the problems in our world. On the contrary, I do stay informed and do my best to calmly reason with any person I meet in "real" life who reveals deep-seated, illogical hatred of others. However, trying to reason with people on the internet is nearly impossible. There is so much hatred. So much ignorance. So much intolerance. All compounded by the disconnect from emotions and empathy that occurs when we interact with others through a screen. It's impossible to counter, and exhausting to even attempt. 

My point in making this rambling journal is actually to thank those that read it, and those that don't. I want to thank all of you for the beautiful creations you post on this website. Thank you for allowing me to see into the wonders of your imagination, and to revel in the talents you possess. Thank you for doing your best to make this place a positive one, as difficult as that may be sometimes. I know DA has problems (a thousand or more, but that's another discussion entirely), but thank you for persevering and providing happiness to people like me. 

Thank you.
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Processing by LeBleuAnteater, journal

A Safe Place? by LeBleuAnteater, journal